alonymous

Questionable Content

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 20:45:27 GMT

I created a couple of pages for my QC Icons and the Deathmole music.

Check it out.

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 19:51:06 GMT

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 23:52:49 GMT

So, life has been absolutely smashingly groovy. I work too much, and I have a weakness for World of Warcraft, but I still manage to make an almost-weekly pilgrimage to Dallas to visit my girlfriend of unearthly loveliness.

You'd think I would have learned, though, that if she can't be trusted with my car keys, she can't be trusted with my lj password, either. Of course, I haven't updated since last JUNE...so if, hypothetically, she were to update as me, I could hardly blame her.

Hookem!

~Alan

Hi, this is my Mom. (She's a nerd, too.)

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 04:41:41 GMT

So, a few weeks ago I was in Houston and we went up the street to have some breakfast. While waiting for a table, we happened to be standing near a Golden Tee arcade game. I made a comment about how the Best Scores were not aligned - even the beginning of each line didn't match up with the line above or below it. My mom's response?

It's because instead of giving each letter the same width, they made the spacing between each letter the same.

I knew I got my nerdy-ness from somewhere.

I Give Up

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 18:08:18 GMT

I'm just gonna skip the ones I have missed. I'll get to them next year, right? ;-)

June 22nd

The reason we see hypocrisy and fraud and unreality in others is because they are all in our own hearts.

When I first started reading today's entry, I felt detached from it. "Yeah, yeah, don't judge or you'll be judged. I know, I know." But by the time I got halfway through it, I realized how close it hit to home. I try not to tell myself (or others) that God has somehow revealed to me His infinite wisdom so I somehow know if somebody else is going to hell, and I know that the sin in my life automatically throws me out of the running to be better than anyone, anywhere. But I do see hypocrisy and fraud and unreality in others. I won't walk up to a stranger and tell them "You know, you say you believe such-and-such, but then you do the opposite." Nor do I say to just anyone "I think you're putting on a front - let me see the real you." But I notice it. I show restraint, or politeness, or cowardice. Depends on your point of view, I guess. The fact that I notice it at all tells me more about myself than about them. I am looking for sin in other people's lives. I want justification that I'm not as bad as I think I am. And I get that through seeing how bad others are. Hmph. When I come right out and say it I see how dumb that is, but it seems fine while I'm doing it...

Yes, all those things and other evils would have been manifested in me but for the grace of God, therefore I have no right to judge.

I am that bad. I would have committed all of my sins PLUS their's if it weren't for the grace of God. And judging them for it is hypocrisy in and of itself, not to mention asking God to damn me to hell:

We have judged our fellow men as sinners; if God should judge us like that we would be in hell. God judges us through the marvellous Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Thank God. ;-)

And like Icarus I collide...

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 22:26:25 GMT

June 15th

No man is born either naturally or supernaturally with character, he has to make character.

Isn't that the truth? Life would be so much easier if I were simply born with the character God wants for me. But then, it wouldn't take any faith or trust in Him to get me there, would it? I think too often I fall into the mindset that if I don't sin, God will improve my character. Unfortunately, it's not really that simple, is it? You can't just not be bad, you have to form good habits. Look for opportunities to glorify Him and serve Him.

So many times I say to myself, "I'm going to look for ways to serve Him. I'll go volunteer somewhere or do a 'Pay It Forward' type of thing for someone." And yet, here I am, months later, not having done any of that. I know that I have served Him in some ways, but not in anyway as to promote spiritual growth within myself. I'm doing alright, I guess, but if I do something good out of habit, I'm not becoming any better. It's still good, but it's not growth.

Do not expect God always to give you His thrilling minutes, but learn to live in the domain of drudgery by the power of God.

This hits home right now. I feel like Monday through Thursday of every week so far this summer have been the same exact day. It's boring. It's routine. And yet I'm sure I have missed opportunities to be spontaneous and to serve someone because I let myself become content within the "daily round." I need to be more aware of my surroundings with an eye for bringing Him glory. That is how I will find growth.

If I do my duty, not for duty's sake, but because I believe God is engineering my circumstances, then at the very point of my obedience the whole superb grace of God is mine through the Atonement.

June 16th

Jesus does not ask me to die for Him, but to lay down my life for Him.

I don't have a whole lot to journal about this entry, except that it's really cool. John 15:13 is one of my favorite Bible verses, but I've always read "lay down his life" as "die". But if it is true that "it is far easier to die than to lay down the life day in and day out with the sense of the high calling," then that verse is even more powerful. And I think it is true. If someone put a gun to my head and asked me if I believe in God, I'm pretty confident that I would say yes. But when asked to proclaim His name through my daily life...it's not quite as easy. I have to daily sacrifice my selfish desires and lay down my life for the sake of His Will.

John says, "we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren." It is contrary to human nature to do it.

Pretty much, I'm just gonna agree with that statement.

Stand loyal to your Friend, and remember that His honour is at stake in your bodily life.

Very, very cool.

Get a move on; begin to abide now.

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 22:14:27 GMT

June 14th

God will not make me think like Jesus, I have to do it myself;

It'd be so much easier if God would just magically make me think more like Him. I'm incapable of doing any good on my own, but He won't just do it for me either. I have to say "so long self" if I want to become anew, he won't just go away.

"Abide in Me" - in intellectual matters, in money matters, in every one of the matters that make human life what it is.

Yeah...about that...are you sure I can't just give you part of my life and let me continue to worry about money and other things? No? Oh...

I don't understand why I have such a difficult time giving up control to Him. I really don't.

Determine to abide in Jesus wherever you are placed.

Thou shalt be called Cephas.

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 21:19:49 GMT

June 12th

Some of us have the new name in spots only, like spiritual measles.

Yeah, that'd definitely be me. While much of my pride and self-interest and, more noticeably, self-sufficiency have been wiped away, I still have quite a ways to go. I want to be a disciple, with my self-sufficiency completely erased from my life. Complete dependence upon the One that created me.

To say "Oh, I'm no saint," is acceptable to human pride, but it is unconscious blasphemy against God. It literally means that you defy God to make you a saint

Wow. I've never thought about it in that way. I'm not so sure I like that idea. I thought I was being humble, not undermining God's authority and power. So maybe not, "I'm no saint", but "I am a child of God." I must seek to abide in Him, to let Jesus be everything, then He will take me Home...

June 13th

The first thing we realize when we come to Jesus is that He pays no attention whatever to our natural affinities.

He does not demand perfection of us before we come to Him. We are to come as we are. That's a lot easier said than done. When He says "Come," my instinct is to say "Hang on, I'll be right there. Let me clean up this mess real quick..." But He is in control of my circumstances and my life. I should be trusting Him with all the things I want to be controlling. It's not a bad thing to not be in control, despite how I feel.

The more you realize yourself the less will you seek God.

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 23:24:47 GMT

June 10th

Have you ever sought God with your whole heart, or have you only given a languid cry to Him after a twinge of moral neuralgia?

Last night ginni and I were discussing whether we should desire to cry out to God "out of moral poverty." She felt that this implied that He is some sort of last resort and we shouldn't be trying to get to that point. We came to the conclusion that we shouldn't seek this out, but if we do get to that point anyway, it's better to cry out to Him in that moment than to not. Plus, God can take those times and use them so that eventually we will be seeking Him as a first resort and not even realize it.

Now, however, I feel that this is an incomplete conclusion. When I'm not in a place that I need Him as a last resort, what am I to do? What we concluded last night does not answer that question, but the above quote does. If I am seeking God with my whole heart, anything I ask of Him will be out of moral poverty because I will be more aware of my current status relative to Him.

Experience is a gateway, not an end.

It's interesting to note how often I measure how close I am to God based on how I feel, based on my current experiences. I shouldn't be striving to feel a certain way. Those feelings and experiences should be a turning point and a jumping board into bigger and better things, not the thing for which I am striving. I should be striving for Him and Him alone.

You can never give another person that which you have found, but you can make him homesick for what you have.

That's just cool.

June 11th

The questions that matter in life are remarkably few, and they are all answered by the words - "Come unto Me."

I absolutely love that.

If you want the actual experience of ceasing from sin, you must come to Jesus.

I can try my hardest to overcome sin on my own, but I won't ever accomplish it without first coming to Him. I have to realize that I CAN'T do it on my own. I WILL fail. It is by His power alone that I can overcome sin.

(So simple in concept, but so hard to live, eh?)

There is nothing more difficult than to ask.

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 21:44:22 GMT

June 8th

If you do not cut the moorings, God will have to break them by a storm and send you out.

It's amazing what lengths to which God will go in order to get my love, attention, and dependency. I'm content where I am, but if I don't get moving, He will move me. I can hop on a ship and head in the other direction, but He'll send a storm and a whale and I'll end up at Nineveh, anyway. I'm just making the process much more difficult than it had to be.

When you know you should do a thing, and do it, immediately you know more.

That's cool. When I don't do what I know I should do, it's usually because of my lack of understanding. I don't know why He wants me to do it, so it's easier to rationalize myself out of it. But those times where I walk by faith and do His will, it all makes sense afterwards. I do this time and time again, yet I continue to struggle to follow Him through faith. Romans 7. Bleh. I guess the moral is to live and learn and walk by faith.

June 9th

We will never receive if we ask with an end in view; if we ask, not out of our poverty but out of our lust.

When I ask something of God, most of the time I like to think that it's because it's what I need. But when I'm asking something out of my poverty and desperation, I know that that is why I'm asking. Honestly, those moments usually come once every few months, give or take. That's about how often I let myself be humbled, broken. A few days ago I had one of these moments. It feels like a weak moment at the time, but looking back, I was growing stronger.

I'm just beggin You for Your wisdom,
And I believe You're puttin' some here...

Still.......catching up.

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 18:47:37 GMT

June 5th

I will not be haunted by apprehension. This does not mean that I will not be tempted to fear, but I will remember God's say-so. I will be full of courage

When I read the last part, I realized I was skimming the first part, thinking "Yeah, yeah, I won't have apprehension but I will be tempted to fear. If you say so." But the last part made me go back and re-read it. Courage - "a quality of spirit that enables you to face danger or pain without showing fear." I like that definition. Without showing fear. You see someone showing courage, and you could swear there wasn't an ounce of fear in them. But ask them and they'll likely tell you that they were scared to death, but they knew what they had to do. I think this is a good analogy. I look at what looms ahead of me and I want to be afraid. I want to feel like a grasshopper to the giant. But I know what I have to do. I have to listen to God and to trust Him. He says He will never leave me. Do I just hear those words, or do I truly listen to them?

I've been overwhelmed over the past week with...I don't know what. Apathy? Call it what you want, but it hasn't been fun. The prospect of facing the consequences of my apathy is/was not promising. But this morning I read something a friend wrote and it helped me realize that I'm trying to do things on my own, apart from Him. He says He will never leave me, and I say that I am dependent upon Him. It's time to show it.

June 6th

So, pretty much all that to say that nearly every time, I already know in my heart what the right choice is; it's just a matter of doing it. I had a talk recently with someone (probably nobody you know, in case you are curious) that seemed to have good intentions, but was causing stress and pain to someone for which they cared. When I brought it up, they knew their choices weren't the best ones and agreed with me that it needed to stop. It was just a matter of having self-control over their actions. I can look back at times in my life - many, actually - in which I rationalized my actions and convinced myself that it was my will. But it wasn't. I gave into my sinful desires, not my will.

When I am living a Christ-centered life, my actions will be in tune with my will and, therefore, His will for me. Wow, I have a long way to go...

June 7th

(First off, Happy 10 Year Anniversary to my mom & Paul!!!)

The thing that ought to exert the greatest power in my life is the Atonement of the Lord. It is not the thing we spend the most time on that moulds us most; the greatest element is the thing that exerts most power.

Very cool. I've always looked at time spent doing something as giving it priority. But it makes sense that how much we put into it is more important than how much time. If I'm putting all my power into doing His will and glorifying Him, then He truly is my number one priority, even if I'm at work and school longer than church and bible studies. BUT, I have to be careful not to use that as an excuse to myself in saying that He really is a priority in my life if He isn't. Difficult to measure, for sure, but another thing I think I already know if I just take the time to look into my heart.

Also, I loved this:

The disciple who abides in Jesus is the will of God, and his apparently free choices are God's fore-ordained decrees. Mysterious? Logically contradictory and absurd? Yes, but a glorious truth to a saint.

More Catching Up

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 17:54:09 GMT

June 2nd

The Psalmist says we are to be haunted by God.

I've always struggled with the idea that I'm supposed to be a God-fearing man. I mean, in a conceptual way, yeah I fear what God could do, but I don't think that is what is intended with that phrase. I just never quite figured out what it might mean.

The abiding consciousness of the life is to be God, not thinking about Him. The whole of our life inside and out is to be absolutely haunted by the presence of God. A child's consciousness is so mother-haunted that although the child is not consciously thinking of its mother, yet when calamity arises, the relationship that abides is that of the mother.

This is a really cool perspective. I don't have to consciously have God on my mind all day, but I need to "fear" Him in a way such that everything I think and do is affected by Him. A child may not consciously think "if I do this, my mother will get on to me", but the prospect will definitely have a weight in his/her decision making process. Just the same, when a child is scared or hungry, there is no process to determine who can best satisfy the child's current needs. No, the child simply cries out to the one in which he/she abides and on which he/she is dependent.

How can we dare be so utterly unbelieving when God is round about us?

June 3rd

as we go on we live so much in the consciousness of God that we do not need to ask what His will is, because the thought of choosing any other will never occur to us.

I love this thought. As I become more dependent upon Him and as I continue to grow in Him, I won't have to figure out what His will is. My will and my desires will be in tune with His so closely that I don't have to decide which of all possible actions would be the Christ-like one to take.

Whenever there is doubt, Stop at once.

You'd think that was an obvious statement, but when you are feeling the doubt, it's easy to push it away and ration that there is a good reason for what you are doing. That very well may be, but it doesn't make it any more in God's will. "He guides our common sense." 90% of the time, if not more often, I already know God's will for me. It's usually just a matter of making His desires mine.

June 4th

Am I learning to say not what God says, but to say something after I have heard what He says?

Okay, so I KNOW that this was written specifically for me. I do this everyday. Instead of listening to what God says to me and taking it as is (you know, the Word of The Almighty), I hear what He says, and then I give my opinion on it. Whether that mean adding an exception on to the end ("DO THIS...unless such-and-such"), focusing only on part of what He says ("I WILL NEVER LEAVE THEE, something-something"..."I hope He doesn't forsake me..."), or evaluating what I think will happen as a result of doing His will and trying to decide for myself what is best based on that amateur opinion. Regardless, I'm not saying what He says, which is, simply put, my goal in life.

We have the idea that God is going to do some exceptional thing, that He is preparing and fitting us for some extraordinary thing by and bye, but as we go on in grace we find that God is glorifying Himself here and now, in the present minute.

I love this. I totally do this. I'll get to thinking that God is going to do great things through me, as though He were incapable of doing so now! It's much easier to put that thought off into some indistinct time in the future, but that only leads to apathy and laziness now. If I have the mindset that God is waiting to do something great in my life later today, will that not have a huge impact on my attitude? I think so...

Have I really let God say to me that He will never fail me? If I have listened to this say-so of God's, then let me listen again.

Playing Catch Up

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 03:43:14 GMT

It is much easier to do something than to trust in God

I'm not quite a list person, per se, but I definitely like to have a list of tasks that help keep me organized and moving toward my goals. When this translates over to my spiritual life, though, it may be hurting more than helping. "Today I need to read My Utmost, spend 17 minutes in prayer, 13 minutes reading the bible..." and so on. Okay, so I'm not that bad, but I feel like I'm growing more when I'm doing these things. Kinda backwards, really. These should be the fruits, not seeds. And yet I think I would prefer it to be the other way around, because then I don't have to actually trust God, I can see logically how the sum of my efforts are resulting in a better spiritual life. So much for that faith thing...

When God wants to show you what human nature is like apart from Himself, He has to show it you in yourself.

Isn't that the truth? Reminds me of 1 Timothy 1:15. I mean, this is PAUL. The worst? Surely not, for that title must fall on myself. I guess it makes sense that He would want us to learn how bad we truly are, for only then can we see how good He truly is.

More catching up later...

Lentish Things

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 00:08:11 GMT

WARNING: This post is extremely long. I have broken it down into topics. Simply click on the topic you want to read and the text will become visible. This way, if you want to read a section or two and come back to finish later, it'll be easier to remember where you left off. Anyway, enjoy!

1) The Last 40 Days

I've been gone for 40+ days, so allow me to begin by giving you an overview of what I have been up to lately.

The first weekend of Lent, I drove to Houston on Friday night, left for Dallas in Paul's truck, got some free furniture from my dad in Fort Worth, drove back to Austin Saturday night, unloaded the furniture with some help from my friend, Chris, drove back to Houston Sunday morning, then back to Austin in my car on Sunday night. I was driving for almost 15 hours that weekend. Needless to say I was quite tired by the end of the weekend.

While I was in Dallas, I stopped to see ginni. We went to Chik-fil-A and I ate while she nibbled on some soup. We had a really good conversation about C.S. Lewis while we were there. It was greatness. To contrast the greatness, while driving back to Austin I got rear ended. Paul's tailgate was smashed, but luckily that was just about the extent of the damage (aside from the other guy's car...yikes). Luckily, I was not hurt in any way. Just cold.

The next weekend I drove up to Dallas again. ginni and I got some Long John Silvers and took it down to a bridge near her house. We ate and looked out over the lake and just enjoyed the moment. It was really cool. Then we went back and spend the afternoon with her family until it was time to head out to the Cary Pierce concert. I could probably devote an entire topic of this blog to the concert, but I'll try to keep it brief.

Apparently, the concert was mostly Cary's friends and family. We were sitting next to his grandparents, wife, and mother-in-law. Pretty cool. He sang Unfailing Love, which was awesome. AND he played the opening notes to a Steven Curtis Chapman song. You'll have to listen to the concert if you want to hear it (Download it here). He puts on an incredible show. It was a very memorable experience.

The next weekend I drove to DFW AGAIN. This time it was for Eric's surprise birthday party. It was really fun and he was genuinely surprised. We had a craps table and a blackjack table, complete with dealers and everything. On the Border catered it, so we had good food to go along with the fun. I had a blast even though I lost all of my play money. :-P

I got up the next morning and drove to Fate, Texas where ginni goes to church. It was very cool to visit her church and to see her help lead worship. If I lived in that area, I would probably consider making that my home church. I hope I can find one like that here in Austin. The Austin Stone is wonderful, but I don't feel connected there, so I'm looking at finding a new church. We ate at an Italian restaurant - mooey bueno - and spent the afternoon playing games and just hanging out with her family.

The next weekend I actually stayed in Austin. I went to Cat's house where she had some people over for her birthday. We mostly just hung out playing pool and talking and what-not. It was nice to not have to drive anywhere and to get to hang out with friends again.

The following Friday I went down to San Marcos to hang out with Sandie for her birthday. It was cool to hang out with her (briefly, as she spent most of the night in the bathroom...) and Jordan. I learned a couple of new card games and fell asleep watching Constantine - a GREAT movie.

This past weekend was really fun. I didn't really do much Friday and Saturday, but Sunday I drove up to Dallas again. I left Austin around 6:15am and got to ginni's church around 9:45 (the service starts ~10). Afterwards, we went to Wendy's for lunch with her family, then drove out to the Galleria to go ice skating. We had a difficult time finding it, but eventually we made it there. At first I wasn't all that excited about ice skating. I figured it'd be kinda fun, but I was mostly just glad to be spending time with ginni. However, after about 10 minutes of skating I decided that I would have to do it again before too long. It was a lot of fun. Actually, it made me miss hockey. I just wanted a stick and a puck and I would have been happy. (I had ginni though, so I couldn't complain!)

We drove back to Rowlett and went out to a field that had a ton of bluebonnets and had ginni's sister, Nikki, take a bunch of pictures of us. Overall, it was one of the best days I have had in a really long time.

Unfortunately, it was followed by one of the worst days I have had in a really long time, but you'll have to keep reading to find out about that...

2) ginni Tamez

During our absence from the internet, ginni and I decided to start a courting relationship. In case you don't know already, ginni is 16. I realize that there is a pretty significant age difference and I haven't taken that lightly. ginni and I both have spent a lot of time thinking and praying about whether being together right now is what is best and - more importantly - in God's Will.

Honestly, I don't exactly look forward to having the "age difference" conversation with each of you. If I have yet to tell you about it, it's because I don't want to hear the same lecture and receive the same advice from everyone I know. You aren't revealing something new to me. I know there is an age difference. But if I thought that this was not the right timing for this relationship, I wouldn't be in it.

I respect the opinions of those that care for me, and I will gladly listen to what you have to say if you still want to tell me. But please keep in mind that I have most likely already considered (many times) anything that you will have to say. My decision to be in this relationship is not likely to be swayed because of the age difference, and I ask that after I hear your opinion, you respect that decision.

Why do I think that the timing is right? Well, my life has been completely transformed over the past few months. I have a totally different outlook on life, as well as motivation to do the things that I haven't been able to do for over a year and a half. Spiritually, I'm growing every day and her encouragement and inspiration has helped give me that drive. She is the one that suggested I give up internet for Lent, and I have spent my time being so much more productive than I would have otherwise. I'm anxious to get back into classes and finish for good. Like I said, I just have a whole new outlook on life. And it's been amazing to watch her grow over the past few months. I can't describe to you the feeling of having God use you to help somebody else, and I can't emphasize enough how proud I am of ginni for coming so far in so little time.

Why now? Why not wait a few years and see if it'll work out then? Because I know that we can glorify God more by being together. Whether it be in each others' lives (doing bible studies together, keeping each other accountable with our struggles, etc) or in the lives of others (volunteering together, raising money for a cause, etc), I feel like there is so much good that will come out of us being together now.

Feel free to share your opinions with me, but please respect my decision, as well. And I hope you can be happy for me, because I'm the happiest I have been in years.

3) Running

I stayed at my sister's house Sunday night - because she is cool like that - and got up early to go to the doctor. I was running a couple of months ago (training for a marathon, actually) when my foot started hurting. After the whole tumor thing a few years ago, my mom made this appointment for me to make sure everything was okay. Well, after a few months of it not hurting, I wasn't too worried, but figured better safe than sorry, so I made this trip anyway. On Sunday when I was ice skating, my heel started hurting again. That got me kinda worried. So I was a little nervous going into the appointment, but God gave me a reminder that He was with me and that led me to pray for the strength to face whatever news I would hear. I didn't realize how much I was going to need that prayer.

The good news is that there is not tumor in my foot. Not that she can tell, anyway. She wants me to come back in 2 months to make sure, but it's pretty unlikely that it has recurred. The bad news is, as I posted previously, that I may not be able to run anymore. At all. I'm not sure who all reads this, so let me explain. Think about what you would consider you THING. Writing? Music? Dancing? Swimming? What "hobby" do you have that gives you a pleasure that you have trouble putting words to? That's what running is to me. I am a runner. It's a part of my identity, a part of who I am. I've felt that way since high school, and I'm sure I will always feel that way. Being told that I may never run again isn't exactly easy to take.

And I didn't take it well. I proceeded to have a completely miserable day. When I got back to Austin, I ran some errands and cleaned my apartment some, but it seemed that everything that could go wrong did. I was upset, angry, and frustrated. I finally decided to go for a bike ride. While nothing when compared to a good run, I needed to get out and to release some steam.

So I did.

4) My Bike Ride

I rode my bike for probably 10+ miles. I took Rundberg to Peyton Gin out to Metric, then took that all the way up to Howard Ln, turned onto Lamar and took that back down to Rundberg. I pushed myself as hard as I could. I rode as far as I possibly could before turning around. I had prepared a new playlist on my ipod before leaving and I am glad that I did. I heard a few songs that had a huge impact on me:

Casting Crowns, Praise You In This Storm
"As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
'I'm with you'
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away"

He gives and takes away...doesn't make it any easier when He takes away, but "even though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm".

Downhere - From Protest To Praise
"So I will cry out, until I go
From Protest to praise
You're always amazing me
You're changing me slow, but surely
And You're gonna see me to the end"

I'm still protesting, but slowly, over time, I'm confident that I will start praising Him for this.

The O.C. Supertones - Wilderness
"Have you ever held in doubt what this life is all about
Have you questioned all these things that seem important to us
Do you really wanna know or are you a little scared
You’re afraid that God is not exactly what you’d have Him be
What should I hold to and what should I do, how do I know if anything’s true
I’m somewhere in between Canaan and Egypt, a place called the wilderness

I’m not one who always trusts their feelings
I don’t believe in what you’d call blind faith

But faith that you can do all that you promised
And you said it all works for good
It’s safe to say I don’t see the big picture
I can’t see the forest for the trees
And if five hundred lives
Were mine to get to know
You all could be spent on just this

God do you really understand what it’s like to be a man
Have You ever felt the weight of loving all the things you Hate
Have You struggled have you worried
How can You sympathize

I have spoken too soon put my hand over my mouth
I can’t contend with You
Your ways are so much higher
And we pass through the fire that
Christ endured before us
When You were in the wilderness"

It's nice to be reminded that He was in the wilderness, too. I may feel lost and I may not understand, but His ways are higher and He's been here before.

The O.C. Supertones - Jury Duty
"Cuz every single moment
whether sleeping or awake
Is your creation
And what you’ve made is good
I don’t always thank you
for the rough days and
The hard times in my life
Even though I should"

Yeah...

Kutless - Changing World
"I need to let go of my destiny
I need to trust in things unseen
I believe in having faith
Though I yield my control

I forgot how quickly things can change
Now my vision can not be the same

My life is not what I thought
I'm not where I planned to be
Though something's gone
There's nothing wrong with my changing world"

I'm so quick to make plans for my future, yet I can never seem to let go of them when He shows me that He has something else in mind. You'd think that I'd have learned by now to trust that He knows best. And yet...

Superchic(k) - It's On
"And though you wanna quit
Don't think you can get through it
You've come too far to walk away
It's not gonna be today
And no matter how you feel
It's what you do that matters
This is your moment to be strong
Today's your day
It's on"

It doesn't matter how I feel, it's what I do that matters. Wow.

Between Changing World and It's On, I returned from my bike ride with a whole new attitude. It sucks, and I'm not quite praising Him for it yet, but I am trying to take my moment to be strong and to trust Him. We'll see how it goes.

(Prayers are MORE than appreciated)

5) My Valley (A Devotional)

Something I wrote during Lent:

Lord, Your ways are not my own
But I trust You
Lord, You say, 'You are not alone,
For I am with you'

But there are times like now when You can’t be found

And it’s like 40 days out in the desert
Feeling like I’m lost forever
And crying out for You
But in these 40 days I’m going to seek You
With my heart because I believe You
These 40 days

~Mark Schultz, 40 Days

MY VALLEY

There have been times in my life that I would have told you that I was "on fire" for God. I felt His presence everywhere I went. I could feel His Spirit within me, using me as His instrument and teaching me His ways. I like to think of these times in my life as "Mountain Moments". It's as though by being up on a mountain I am somehow closer to Him.

Unfortunately, you cannot have mountains without valleys. My desire to seek Him has disappeared. Nothing about my beliefs have changed, but I can no longer feel His presence in my life. I rationalize sin without thinking twice about it. I seem to stumble and fall at every opportunity. After a while, I'll realize that I must be in a valley, so I'll pray for Him to help me. But nothing changes. I listen to Christian music and read my bible, hoping to inspire some sort of desire for Him. But nothing changes. I go to church and the sermon truly convicts me about how I've been living my life, then I leave with a newfound motivation to change my ways. But nothing changes.

When I'm in these valleys of life, I'd like to think that God is hardening my heart like Pharoah's (Exodus 7:2-5). It makes sense to me. I'm trying to grow and to seek Him, but if He has hardened my heart then nothing I do will make a difference. In that mindset, I feel much less guilty for any wrongdoings I commit. I mean, I tried, right? If this valley is where I'm supposed to be, how can I be held accountable for decisions I make that are affected by that? Right?

The problem with this theory is that I'm shifting all the responsibility off of myself. By supposing that God is keeping me from getting closer to Him, I'm left to believe that one of these days He will stop and I will all of a sudden become close to Him again. I'm trying to put the ball in His court, as though I've done all that I can and I'm just waiting for Him to welcome me. But it doesn't quite work that way. God is waiting for me to return to Him, not the other way around. He looks forward to the day I return and will celebrate when I do! (Luke 15:17-24) God is not keeping me from spiritually growing, I am.

Looking back at my half-hearted efforts to get out of my valley, I realize that I never really tried very hard. I put Christian music on, but didn't want to listen to its message. I read the bible and tried memorizing verses, but didn't stop to think about how those verses applied to my life. It's not that I couldn't change, it's that I didn't want to. I had grown fond of my valley and didn't like feeling guilty about my sins.

When I finally started climbing up the mountain again, it wasn't because God softened my heart. It was because I finally decided that I didn't like that valley so much after all. It just took me awhile to realize it.

6) A Familiar Stranger (A Poem)

Something else I wrote during Lent:

A Familiar Stranger

Darkness overcame me
The sun's been gone for years
The path before me I cannot see
I'm realizing all my fears

I've stumbled many times
Breaking bones and hearts alike
I am guilty of many crimes
My conscious has gone on strike

Wandering aimlessly for so long
I have forgotten how to try
I desire to once again be strong
I dream that someday I'll fly

I hear a voice from the shadows
And realize I am not alone
This familiar stranger's battles
Remind me of my own

The darkness flees as a new day begins
My path has been made clear
I forgive myself for all my sins
And turn to a friend so dear

Thank you for revealing to me
What it is that I need to do
Thank you for inspiring me
And thank you for being you

Who is this King of Glory?

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 20:23:59 GMT

I'm in a really good place right now. Really. And I decided (about 3 minutes ago) that the best thing I can do with that right now is to turn it back to praise. And so, I praise.

Colt McCoy local TV commercial 2003

Thu, 23 Nov 2006 06:56:42 GMT

The Best of the Best

Sun, 28 May 2006 05:35:43 GMT

In no particular order:

* Chris Rice - And Your Praise Goes On
* Wideawake - Broken
* Steven Curtis Chapman - God is God
* Downhere - Calmer of the Storm
* Caedmon's Call & Third Day - God of Wonders
* Jars of Clay - Worlds Apart
* Casting Crowns - Here I Go Again
* RENT - One Song Glory
* Downhere - Starspin
* Cary Pierce - Time to Time
* Jars of Clay - Flood
* Chris Tomlin - How Great Is Our God
* Kutless - Run
* Lifehouse - Everything
* Mark Schultz - I Have Been There
* Matchbox 20 - If You're Gone
* MercyMe - Here Am I
* Chris Rice - Clumsy
* Rich Mullins - Creed
* Switchfoot - 24
* Vertical Horizon - On the Sea
* Viet Pham - Relive September
* Todd Agnew - Grace Like Rain

So much for a top ten list...

Why Not?

Wed, 24 May 2006 08:27:58 GMT

I figure I can use this as a different kind of blog than what I have on my website. For starters, I'll post my most recent work of literature:

SEARCHING

incomplete
all alone

i search for her
she'll be the one
i'll just know

falling still
humbled more

i search for me
i'll be alright
i really don't know

healing slowly
i remain confused

i search for You
All else fades away
I'm renewed again

You can read this, and more, at http://alanbeam.net/poetry.php (most of it is a few years old or older, just fyi).

Mon, 22 May 2006 02:46:15 GMT

I got this mostly for reading other peoples LJ's, but if you wanna read my blog check out my website: http://alanbeam.net

:-)